Patience with Stern Parents
by Abu Fouzaan Qaasim
In the name of Allaah, the Beneficent, Bestower of Mercy. May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family and companions. As for what follows;
Question: “I’m sixteen years old, and all praise is for Allaah, I uphold the obligations and perform some supererogatory acts. However my mother is very tribal and stern. She says mean and degrading things to me. Of course she says that she doesn’t mean it and it’s not from her heart. And she’s always in my business and prevents me from visiting my friends for Allaah’s sake.” What are your instructions for this youth?
Sheikh ‘Abdul ‘Azeez ibn Baaz, may Allaah have mercy upon him, answers: “She must be patient, forbearing and supplicate for guidance, success and good speech for her mother. So Allaah will guide her and protect her tongue from that which is inappropriate. If your father is around then he should advise her. Likewise your older brothers as well so that she won’t say anything that will harm you. And all praise is for Allaah.
As for the matter of visitation, then it must be explained. If this visitation of yours is free from evils, unveiling and seclusion with non-mahram men then there’s no harm in it as long as your mother is pleased. If not, then do not go anywhere without her consent and pleasure. Because pleasing her is mandatory.
Obedience and goodness to the parents is a very important affair. Therefore, do not visit your sisters except if she is pleased with that in order for her to be pleased with you. You must speak kindly with your mother and gain her pleasure by the legislated means. Seeking the assistance of your father or brothers regarding that so she’ll allow for you to go and not chastise or harm you with obscene speech. May Allaah guide her. We ask Allaah guidance for us all.”
Reader of the Question: “May Allaah reward you with good. Oh Sheikh, she mentioned a phrase where she said: “My mother is always in my business.” Is this type of speech appropiate for the child to say about his father or mother?”
Sheikh Bin Baaz says: “This is inappropriate and unbefitting. The mother and father can interfere in the child’s affairs if they see it a benefit for him/her. They are obligated to raise their children with a sound and legislated upbringing. So they have the right to interfere into the affairs of the child in order to rectify them and bring benefit them in their religion and/or worldly affairs.
As for something that will impede them from good or from the truth, then this is unbefitting for the parents. Obedience is only in that which is good. So if the mother or father tells the child “I need you to steal”, “I need you to betray someone”, “I need you to cheat in this interaction”, it is impermissible to obey them, be it the mother or father. Because this is sin and the Prophet, may peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Obedience is only in that which is good.” And he said: “There is no obedience at the expense of disobedience to the Creator.” As well as if they say to him/her “Don’t offer your prayers in congregation” or “sever ties with your siblings” or “you have to deal in interest”, “you must sell alcohol or drugs”, the child mustn’t obey them in these affairs because obedience is only in that which is good and there is no obedience to the creation at the expense of disobedience to the Creator.”
Reader of the question: “May Allaah reward you with good. So, the parents do have the right to interfere in the affairs of their children?”
Sheikh Bin Baaz: “Yes, in that which will bring about the request without there occurring any oppression or mistreatment. For instance consultation, advice, preventing those things that will harm them, etc.”
Reader of the question: “May Allaah reward you with good.”