My husband is not concerned with me at all

My husband is not concerned with me at all

Question: My husband, may Allaah forgive him, although he has noble character and fear of Allaah, is not concerned with me at all in the home. He is always frowning and depressing. One might claim that I am the cause but, and Allaah knows this, I am, and all praises are due to Allaah, fulfilling his rights and I try my best to make everything very pleasant and nice for him. I also keep anything harmful from him and I am patient with how he treats me. Every time I ask him about something or speak to him, he gets upset and agitated. He claims that it is ridiculous and useless speech, although he is very friendly with his companions and friends.

As for me, I only see harshness and contempt. This hurts me very much and I really suffer from it. Many times I have thought about simply leaving the home. I am a woman, and all praises are due to Allaah, who has an average education and I fulfill the obligations Allaah has put upon me. Dear Shaykh, if I leave the house, bring up my children alone and take on my worldly needs by myself, would I be sinful? Or should I stay with him in this situation and just stop talking and participating with him?

Response: There is no doubt that it is obligatory upon the spouses to treat each other in a kind and respectable manner. They should treat each other with love, good disposition and beautiful manners. Allaah has stated:

{Live with them honourably}, [Soorah an-Nisaa., Aayah 19].

Allaah also says:

{And they (women) have rights similar to [those] over them according to what is reasonable, but men have a degree [of responsibility] over them}, [Soorah al-Baqarah, Aayah 228].

The Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) also said:

((Piety is good behaviour)).

In another hadeeth, the Prophet (sal-Allaahu `alayhe wa sallam) said:

((Do not discount any deed of goodness, even greeting your brother with a smiling face)). Muslim recorded both of them in his Saheeh.

The Prophet also said:

((The believer with the most complete faith is the one with the best character. The best of you are those who are best to their wives and I am best to my family)).

There are many other ahaadeeth that are exhortations to behaving properly, dealing nicely with each other and having good relations with other Muslims in general. Therefore, what obviously must be the case concerning the relation between spouses and close relatives? You have done well by being patient and bearing the coldness and bad behaviour from your husband. I advise you to increase your patience and not leave the home. Allaah willing, that will bring about lots of good and a praiseworthy solution. Allaah has stated:

{Be patient. Surely, Allaah is with those who are patient}, [Soorah al-Anfaal, Aayah 46].

Allaah also says:

{Verily, he who fears Allaah and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the doers of good to be lost}, [Soorah Yoosuf, Aayah 90].

Again, Allaah says:

{Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full without reckoning}, [Soorah az-Zumar, Aayah 10].

Finally, Allaah says in yet another verse:

{So be patient, surely, the good end is for those who fear Allaah}, [Soorah Hood, Aayah 49].

There is nothing to prevent you from joking with him and speaking with him in words that will soften his heart, acts that will cause him to smile at you and recognise your rights. Avoid seeking worldly needs from him as long as he is fulfilling your most important rights. Then when his heart becomes at ease, then you can get what you need and you both will praise Allaah for the end result, Allaah willing.

May Allaah grant you increase in every good. May He also correct the situation of your husband and guide him to what is right and proper behaviour and fulfilling what is right.

Allaah is the Best one to ask and He is the guide to the straight way.

Shaykh Ibn Baaz
Fataawa al-Mar.ah